life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
