I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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