I think I won the penis lottery.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
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