Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I checked into jail on foursquare
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
