his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
