what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
