You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
