the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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