well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
