Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
