Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
