just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
