just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
we're making bets on your personal life
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
