I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
