need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
