I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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