i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
