before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
