sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
