I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
