I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
