So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
