now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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