i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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