Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize