i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
