Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
