my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
