I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Randomize
