I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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