dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
