My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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