I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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