Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
