david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
