I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We were destined to go to rehab together
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
