I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
