he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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