Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
