i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
