she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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