Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
