my phone needs a breathalizer
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
