Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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