Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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