if only i could text you this smell
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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