When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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