My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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