I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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