you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Mom said you looked used
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Randomize
