my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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