ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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