Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
