You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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