I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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