There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
