Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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