god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
