So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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