did you get engaged???
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
