While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
