Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
