so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I want her autograph on my taint
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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