I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
